Mad, Mad, Mad

When the "Intelligence" Services of Pomerania had finished assassinating of the last "liberal" leaders in the country, Pomerania was swept by what their media called "A Conservative Revolution". Naturally everyone who enjoyed any status or wealth in Pomerania was ecstatic, while the majority of the citizenry dully accepted the new reality. In truth, there was nothing which this 'revolution' intended to conserve; for its real purpose was the recreation of Feudalism. A few oligarchs, styling themselves the unique "creators of wealth", simply intended to bring all wealth and political power into their hands. The masses would be provided, as they have been for centuries, with bread, circuses, and disinformation. They would be brought to see that their poverty was due to the lack of their own moral virtue. Meanwhile the new Lords, from their off-shore empires, intended to direct Pomerania and the world for centuries to come. Naturally, the first thing they did was to master the process of installing the Presidents of Pomerania, as well as most of her Representatives. It was neccessary, of course, to do this while seeming to respect the Pomeranian Constitution, since this reassured the citizenry, and the Bankers, that the old arrangements still prevailed. When "conservative" President Dumbbell, followed by "liberal" President Tinkerbell,-- entered into the NAFTA and GATT accords--- the Republic of Pomerania ceded the last vestige of its independence and economic nationalism to these masters, the corporate-cartel of international finance-capital. Naturally both of these Presidents strenously declared themselves to be friends of the people, but they had both already concluded, in private, that the citizens of Pomernia no longer had the sense to make anything more complicated than gravel. Besides, the Bankers of Pomerania were no longer in a generous mood. As far as they were concerned the slave-mines of China and Africa looked more profitable. Across Pomerania, from coast to coast, factories closed and jobs went overseas. The only thing Pomerania produced anymore was software, I-pod designs, rock-stars, and pornography. Having given up the economic basis for her nationhood Pomerania would now need, her new masters knew, a new national rasion-d'etre. Thenceforth, they reasoned, she could only justify her national existence by a messianic mission, an imperial adventure into the darkest spots on the globe.

The darkest spot which Pomernia could find was the country of Taostand. Taostand was picked because its name was the same as the religion of a few fanatics who had pulled off an open attack on Pomerania some years before. These men had dared to threaten the greatest nuclear arsenal on earth with razor-blades, so naturally Pomerania went berserk, believing that their religion was the explanation for their act. Of course some said that Pomerania's own "Intelligence" Services had once again provided its elites with political cover though masterminding this "attack"; but even if this were true, it wouldn't change the fact that Taosists had little reason to like Pomerania. Afterall, Pomerania had been installing and overthrowing regimes in their region back before there had been a Taostand. One could reasonably suppose that these 'Taoists' might simply want to left alone. Besides, why were these blasted Taoists, or whatever you call 'em, so unfriendly to I-pods? Were they against "Freedom"? President Shrub, the new servant of the old masters, was more than happy to point out that these attackers, "Dope-ists", as he reffered to them, were the enemies of peace everywhere. But some found it hard to believe that a handful of men living in caves were all that dangerous to the existence of Pomerania, the greatest military power the planet had even seen. When Pomerania invaded Taostand many thought that the justification was that the Taoists there taught a very pacific religion, counseling their adherents not to buy I-pods, Laptops, Rock-music or Pornography. (When it was later discovered that the backers of the invasion all had financial stakes in the production of these products, a minor scandal rocked Pomerania. Fortunately, however, this scandal broke on the same day as the divorce of a Mary Maudlin, a famous Pomeranian rock star, thus no one noticed.) There were also those who said that the Taoists only considered the Pomeranians to be "decadent" because they no longer produced anything not tainted by moral corruption or Usury. But since President Shrub had lumped both attackers and "Dope-ists" together--- what was the point of quibbling! Still others replied that those countries who complained the loudest about Pomerania had better shut their mouths, since Pomerania now employed most of those countries' citizens! These foreign workers made laptops whose sale generated Pomernian dollars! Yes sir! After that many countries decided to shut up. Only a few still grumbled. The Bankers of Pomerania alone laughed long and loud as they drew on their huge Havannas.

But the stubborn priests of Taostand were turning out to be a bigger problem than the masters had predicted. These Lords of the Earth had hoped to renew the nationalism of Pomerania even as their own private acts collasped every basis for nationhood, but the contradictory forces they unleashed, began, at last, to become apparent. The Taosists were simply impossible. No one could make any sense of their religious precepts. The Taosist priests taught wacky truths like "Water Cuts Away Rock" or "Stay Still and You Are An Empire", and other such nonsense. These phrases gave the Pomeranian Generals fits. What did they mean? Were they codes for a bomb, an attack? What military solution to these enigmas could they possibly offer to President Shrub? For his part President Shrub was brillantly-cast. He even ventured to offer his own interpretation of the koans by replying, "We will stay still over you until we are an Empire!". But the ominous silence from the Priests of Taostand gave him pause. President Shrub went on the offensive again, declaring that Taoism was not incompatabile with I-Pods, Rock-Stars, Lap-tops or Pornography. (When it was pointed out to the President that the Taosists were often ennuchs, he merely smirked.) But then the President became angry and swore, "Will no one rid me of these insolent priests?"? Now the Pomeranian Generals took notice. They began to hatch plots, using subterfuge and political theatre to subdue Taostand. President Shrub declared that he would not leave Taostand until every Taosist wore an I-Pod and was implicatable in a sex-scandal, just like every other mortal and Pomeranian.

Meanwhile, various other evil-doers, those humilated in the past by Pomeranian arrogance, began to cook up schemes to humiliate innocent Pomerania. Soon both Absurdistan and Heapostand were tempting Pomerania to invade them. Some claimed this was because those countries had aquired nuclear weapons, but others knew that it was really because their masses desired access to Pomeranian pornography. Some claimed that this validated the thesis of the Taoists-- that Pomerania really was a decadent society--- because it proved that evil-doers actually can be stimulated to commit something other than violence.

At this impasse, General Toffeeball, during an act of copulation with a nymphet on a private couch within the walls of the "Hexagon", (Pomerania's secret labyrinth of "Intelligence"), had a startling revelation. It seems that the General noticed that an erect penis bears every ressemblance to an Ballistic Missile tipped with a nuclear warhead. The General's vision caused him to trade his uniform for sackcloth and ashes. He began to march through the streets preaching the end-time to Pomeranian Rock-stars, media-whores and pornographers. Taking the inspired name of Nuttballs the General rapidly became a prophet followed by the worshipful majority of Pomeranians, who quickly disposed of President Shrub and installed the General as Lord Protector. Nuttballs promptly directed all his energies toward the completion of his earthly mission, that of directing the launch of the entire nuclear arsenal of of Pomerania toward a point on the Amazon where the river flows down from the Andes and into the thickest heat of the rain-forest.

The storm of ash that then enveloped the earth destroyed agriculture in many regions, including Pomerania, Absurdistand and Heapostand. There starvation and flooding caused by global warming ensued. But Taostand, whose desert climate was just sufficently cooled by the ash to permit agriculture, and which had no cities on the sea, became known as, "The Garden to the East".

Will Morgan

November, 28 2006